


Feelings

by AllyThePotato



Series: And Why Is That? [9]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Crying, Denial of Feelings, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:46:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29828595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllyThePotato/pseuds/AllyThePotato
Summary: He's been pretending for a long time, hasn't he?
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Series: And Why Is That? [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2181036
Comments: 59
Kudos: 36





	Feelings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohjeezglee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohjeezglee/gifts), [backslashdelta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/backslashdelta/gifts), [Carmex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmex/gifts).



> Well, I made *myself* cry with this one  
> Part nine
> 
> For Anna, Sim, and Becky. I'm prepared for the screams this time.

Blaine stares at the ceiling, trying to stop thinking. Thinking leads to feelings, and Blaine is so fucking tired of _feeling_. He's felt so much—he just needs it to stop. So he stares at their ceiling, and tries to numb it all out, though he doesn't think it's possible. His thoughts still race, and his emotions are still breaking him into a million little pieces.

He turns, looks at Kurt. He's beautiful. He's smart. Talented. Compassionate. And for a long time, he was Blaine’s. 

He was Blaine’s for a long time. 

_Lavender—_

Not now. No, not really.

Blaine watches him for a long time. He's not sleeping, Blaine can tell. He's just laying there, eyes closed. Pretending.

He's been pretending for a long time, hasn't he?

But so has Blaine. Pretending to be okay. When he knows. When he's _known_ for a fucking _year._ How much longer can he take it? Take this. This—this _betrayal?_

_Love me no matter what?_

_Of course—_

Blaine pulls the blankets back, gets out of their bed. He sits down in front of the keyboard they kept in the bedroom, stares at the keys. He closes his eyes, presses down on them. Here, he doesn't have to think about anything. Here, he can let go. Let go. His hands work by themselves, and his voice does, too—though it breaks on the second verse.

" _Though I know, my love is true._

_I'd die if you ever told me good-bye. Ever told_

_Me good-bye._

_And I know, he loves you too._

_He would do, the same as I._

_What difference does it make, which one I choose?_

_Either way I lose._

_Either way I lose._

_EIther way I lose."_

He finishes, his breathing heavy. He's crying again, crying for so many reasons—and he can't bring himself to admit any of them. He doesn't have to look at Kurt to know he's crying.

_I'm sorry. I broke it._

_I know._

All these feelings—

He's always been emotional—ever since he was young. He has ecstatic highs and suffocating lows, an in between was rare. The highs were the best times of his life—birthdays, performances...meeting Kurt. The lows were the worst, though —his grandmother's passing, getting bashed, and. 

and.

This. 

_I broke it._

All these feelings—

This is one of those lows—perhaps the worst. He thinks back to what his mother would tell him when he was sad. _A heart that's been broken is a heart that's been loved._

How _fucked_ is that?

He needed more than just love. He needed trust. Loyalty. Friendship. To be enough—

_I didn't mean to. I lost control._

All these feelings—

_Some people just don't get along._

He hates this. What he's putting himself through—

_I think we just grew up, love_

Is this what growing up is all about? Why didn’t anyone teach him how to handle this because this is _fucked—_

He's so afraid. Of losing him. Losing _them_ . Because _goddammit_ Sebastian is his best friend. He _needs_ them. But they—

They—

They fucking—

His fingers slam down on the piano, an ugly chord ripping out of the instrument. It's not musical, the notes don't match, it isn't major or minor. Just sharps and flats and naturals all mixed together and he screams. 

He screams, not caring about the neighbors or how it would hurt his throat or how it would scare Kurt. 

He feels arms around his shoulders, pulling him away from the piano onto the floor, and just holding him there. And he hates that it's working, that it's making it better, that he finds comfort in Kurt. 

Why—

Why can't he let go—

Why—

They—

" _Why?"_ He cries. He pushes away, but Kurt holds fast and he's bigger and Blaine can't get away. "Fuck you, Kurt—fuck _you._ "

"I'm sorry," Kurt says. Blaine hits his arm, trying to break out of this embrace. "I'm sorry. I—"

"Don't say it. Please don't say it."

"Someone has to," Kurt whispers.

He knows that. But not now.

"Let me go. Get off of me. Get your fucking hands _off_ me," Blaine yells, pushing back. "I'm serious, Kurt, let me go." 

"Okay," Kurt says. 

Okay—

He releases Blaine and Blaine scrambles, trying to get away from him. He's hunched on the floor, tears and sweat running down his face. Wailing. 

All these feelings—

_Lavender—_

_Love me no matter what—_

_I'm sorry. I broke it—_

_I think we just grew up, love—_

_I didn't mean to. I lost control—_

_Some people just don't get along—_

_I'm sorry—_

"Blaine…"

"Don't," Blaine breathes. "I'm gonna go. I'm just–I'm gonna go."

He grabs his keys and the first pair of shoes he sees, moving like a tornado through their apartment. He ignores Kurt, doesn't want to hear his voice. Not now.

And with a slam of the door he's gone.

**Author's Note:**

> The song Blaine sings is Either Way I Lose by Nina Simone, can be found on the playlist I made. 
> 
> Well. Fuck.
> 
> TBC


End file.
